Momma Shell
- Aug 25, 2020
- 2 min read

I don't want to let go!

God, WHY? Why do I have to say goodbye?! Why can't you heal her and her let stay with me a little longer? Please! These are questions that we all ask, yell, scream, or even whisper through our tears. There are times in life that hit us so hard we feel we can't breathe. Times when we feel like we have nothing at all to give. Times when it hurts too much to let go. Times when we have to make a hard decision that will impact you and the people around you forever. My heart hurts. I can't imagine my life without my Maggie Mae. She has been my shadow for nine years. I never thought I would have such a deep connection with a dog. But here I am, 3:45 in the mornin, a hot mess, snot bubbling, tears streaming down my face as I write this, the pressure in my head is unbearable. She is my girl! When I was diagnosed three years ago with Bilateral Occipital Neuralgia, she was there. My little one became my "therapy dog." I would lay in bed for days and cry from the pain, and she would put next to me or on me even and kiss me. Even in my hardest days, she was there. Always letting me know I was never alone, making me smile. When I felt like I couldn't go on, there she was right by my side. Who am I going to swing with? So I ask again. How do I say goodbye??

See, my Maggie Mae is sick; she's in congestive heart failure. I feel time slipping through my fingers like sand. Her sickness has taken her so fast and too soon. We found out she was ill at the end of March 2020. Four months later, I now have to make one of the hardest decisions of my life. How do you know when to say goodbye? Even as I write this, my forever loyal girl is lying beside me. As sick as she is right now, she is still putting me first. I know I am selfish by wanting to keep her just a little longer. God gave me her when I needed her most.

Maggie Mae, to see you struggle to breathe breaks my heart. So, the choice has already been made. I can't hold on to you any longer. Thank you, God, for allowing me to spend the last 9 years with a special gift. Thank you for always being there for me, listening to me, and loving me.